Thursday, October 31, 2013
Jeans
Prior to May of this year, I hadn't purchased jeans since 2008. It wasn't because I just wore the same jeans from 2008. Once I started gaining weight after I had been at 90 lbs, I stopped wearing jeans. I pretty much stopped wearing pants altogether. First, it wasn't really by choice. It was because I only had size 00 and 0 jeans and they didn't fit me anymore. I could still fit into my less formfitting skirts and dresses, so that's what I wore. Once I stopped gaining, I was so depressed and couldn't even consider the thought of going into a store and trying on jeans at my new high weight. I probably would've been a size 6 or 8 at that time, which I realize isn't obese or anything, but I felt like a whale, especially since months earlier I had been a size 00. So since then, I haven't purchased jeans. I haven't had an occasion where I had to wear jeans. Then, I got hired at my current job. Part of the serving staff's uniform is dark wash jeans, so I had to brave the stores in search of a suitable pair of jeans. This was not an easy task not only because I didn't know my size, but also because I have a proportionally tiny waist in comparison to my muscular thighs and my legs are short for my height, so I just have a hard time finding jeans that fit right. When I got to the store, I started with a 6 because that seemed to be the size that looked most correct when I tried to compare my body size to the size of the jeans by sight. To my surprise, the 6 was huge. It was a pleasant surprise. So then I tried a 4. Still too big. So then I looked at a 2 and thought, "There is no way my big ass is going to fit into those little jeans." But I tried them on anyway and, what do you know? They fit. Crazy. A size 2. Then, I thought maybe the store was just messing with me because they were bootcut jeans and maybe bootcut jeans are cut bigger or something, so I tried on a size 2 in a skinny jean and, BAM, still fit. What? How? I don't understand. When I look at myself and then look at the jeans, I just don't see how I could ever fit my body into those jeans, but then I put them on and they fit, and they're not super tight or anything, they actually fit. Maybe I have that body dysmorphia? It's possible, but I suspect that jeans are just tricky. Anyway, if you're curious about my weight now, I can't help you, but, apparently, I wear a size 2 in jeans.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Hello again.
Hi. It has been a while, yeah? It has been six years, actually. Wow. It's really weird to look back on blogs written by my 18-year-old self. I'm 24 now. I live in Boston. I have been here for just over a year. I'm a grad student, studying playwriting, which I realize is a far cry from Biology. Haha. I'm also a waitress because I have to pay the bills these days. So I'm going to try to fill you in on everything that went down during my blogging hiatus, briefly.
A lot of things have happened in the past six years. Last time you saw me, I was living in New Brunswick, going to Rutgers. I think I was studying Biology? I don't know. Shortly after my last blog post, I left Rutgers and moved back in with my parents. I was sick, but I told myself that the reason I left school was because I didn't like Rutgers. I guess that was part of the reason too. I returned to my old job and went to community college for half of the spring semester while I shopped for a new college to attend in the fall. It was a really dark time for me. Honestly, I don't remember much of it. I can't remember when things happened and at what point during that period. I got really thin. At one point, I was down to about 90 lbs. I'm relatively tall, 5'8", so that wasn't good. I was really weak, balding, fainting all the time. It was pretty scary stuff. I got treatment and gained some weight, but I was still quite thin until that summer. I got mono. I've always heard of people loosing weight with mono. I gained weight, a lot of weight. I started school at La Salle University in Philadelphia that fall. I was about 120 lbs, but I was by no means healthy. It seemed as though I had swapped one disordered eating habit for another and I spent my freshman year binging and purging instead of restricting. I ballooned up to about 155 lbs and I was disgusted with my body, but I was doing well in school and I had friends and a life, sort of. I got involved in theatre again, which was something I had always loved, so that was good times. You hear about how your body will pack on the pounds after a period of starvation and I think that's what happened. My weight adjusted itself over the next few years. I wasn't "cured." I still binged and purged and restricted, but nothing like what I had done in the past. I was functional. My weight stayed around 130-140 lbs until my junior year when I had a bit of a relapse and starved down to 112 lbs. But it got better again and I didn't gain crazy weight like the last time. I finished undergrad, go my BA, and got into grad school. I still have disordered eating problems. I don't know that they'll ever go away. I'm at a "healthy" weight right now. I can't give you an exact number because I haven't weighed myself in over two years, but based on my clothing size, I'd say I'm around 130 lbs, maybe a bit more because I'm way more toned than I was back in the day. My life is kind of ridiculous, but, you know, I'm alive and making things work as best as I can.
I don't know if I'll be updating this regularly or not. I'd like to try, but my schedule is so crazy that I don't know that I'll find the time. We'll see. Thanks so much to everyone who has supported me over the years.
A lot of things have happened in the past six years. Last time you saw me, I was living in New Brunswick, going to Rutgers. I think I was studying Biology? I don't know. Shortly after my last blog post, I left Rutgers and moved back in with my parents. I was sick, but I told myself that the reason I left school was because I didn't like Rutgers. I guess that was part of the reason too. I returned to my old job and went to community college for half of the spring semester while I shopped for a new college to attend in the fall. It was a really dark time for me. Honestly, I don't remember much of it. I can't remember when things happened and at what point during that period. I got really thin. At one point, I was down to about 90 lbs. I'm relatively tall, 5'8", so that wasn't good. I was really weak, balding, fainting all the time. It was pretty scary stuff. I got treatment and gained some weight, but I was still quite thin until that summer. I got mono. I've always heard of people loosing weight with mono. I gained weight, a lot of weight. I started school at La Salle University in Philadelphia that fall. I was about 120 lbs, but I was by no means healthy. It seemed as though I had swapped one disordered eating habit for another and I spent my freshman year binging and purging instead of restricting. I ballooned up to about 155 lbs and I was disgusted with my body, but I was doing well in school and I had friends and a life, sort of. I got involved in theatre again, which was something I had always loved, so that was good times. You hear about how your body will pack on the pounds after a period of starvation and I think that's what happened. My weight adjusted itself over the next few years. I wasn't "cured." I still binged and purged and restricted, but nothing like what I had done in the past. I was functional. My weight stayed around 130-140 lbs until my junior year when I had a bit of a relapse and starved down to 112 lbs. But it got better again and I didn't gain crazy weight like the last time. I finished undergrad, go my BA, and got into grad school. I still have disordered eating problems. I don't know that they'll ever go away. I'm at a "healthy" weight right now. I can't give you an exact number because I haven't weighed myself in over two years, but based on my clothing size, I'd say I'm around 130 lbs, maybe a bit more because I'm way more toned than I was back in the day. My life is kind of ridiculous, but, you know, I'm alive and making things work as best as I can.
I don't know if I'll be updating this regularly or not. I'd like to try, but my schedule is so crazy that I don't know that I'll find the time. We'll see. Thanks so much to everyone who has supported me over the years.
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