Dead Fish

My stupid fish is already dead. :( I don't know how I killed it so fast. He didn't even live 36 hours. Last night I was watching television and he was like hiding behind the plant, but he was still alive because he mouth was still moving. Then I looked at him later his mouth wasn't moving and I shook the tank a little and he didn't move and then I knew he was dead. Tracy told me I had to flush him. The pet place told me when I bought him that if he died within two weeks I could bring back his little body and a sample of the water and they'd give me back my money or a new fish, but that's gross. I didn't want to do that so I just did what Tracy said and flushed him. Now I have a stupid fish tank, but no fish. Lame. Anyway, I don't feel like typing anymore. I'm watching Friends.

- Danyele

Fish

I didn't have a very good day. It was a lot like yesterday. I binged and then took pills. I didn't cut though. I thought it was going to be a good day. When I woke up I talked to Tracy on the telephone. I usually hate talking on the telephone, but I like talking to Tracy on the telephone. I even got to talk to her son on the telephone. It was funny because Tracy called me back so I could talk to Danny because he was mad that she hung up without letting him talk to me. Apparently he likes me, which is surprising since I usually scare little kids. It was also funny because when I was talking to Danny I could hear Tracy in the background telling him what to say. Anyway, Tracy and I talked about a lot of things. First we talked about how I had a bad day yesterday and I told her that I binged and took pills and cut. Then we talked about when Chris yelled at me. She said that there was a pattern because my father yells at me and my ex-boyfriend yelled at me (among other things...) and that it was good that I broke the pattern and that I'm not friends with Chris anymore. Personally, I don't think a friend yelling at me like that is the same as my father or my boyfriend yelling at me like that, but I'm glad she thinks that I did a good thing. Then we made a list of things I can have to try to control my eating so I still do it, but I don't binge. Here's the list. The bold stuff is stuff she thought of and the not bold stuff are things I added after.

Water

Diet Green Tea

Grapes

Grapefruit

Soup

Coffee

Regular Tea

Plain Vegetables

Plums

Any Zero Calorie Beverage

Look, I doubled the list. That's good. When we were coming up with this list I could hear Danny in the background trying to help by suggesting things like crabs, roast beef, and french fries. It was cute. He's one of the few kids I don't want to strangle. Moving on, Tracy also suggested that I get a fish. I'm really not supposed to have any pets in my apartment. It's against the rules. However, I don't think a fish is really that much of a problem. They don't make noise and they hardly take up any room. Just in case they would be mad I didn't want to let them know I have one so I had to sneak it inside. It would've been funny to watch if you knew what was going on. I got the fish and all of the fish stuff in just fine though. I have it all set up now and I just hope the fish doesn't die. I named him Oliver. It was between Oliver and Tracy the fish. I figured Oliver was better because I don't know how much Tracy wants me to name a fish after her. It would be funny though. Here's a picture of Oliver.

So, those were the highlights of my day. I wish school would just start already. I'm pretty bored. There is this kid that I used to go to school with that really wants to hang out with me. And by hang out, I mean make out. It's so annoying. I don't even really know this kid nor do I want to make out with him. He graduated a few years ahead of me and one day he just randomly messaged me like "Hey. You're cute. Let's hang out." Ok, that's just weird. And another thing. He's Asian. I don't have a problem with Asian people, but do I have a big sign on my head that says "I date Asian guys"? Because out of all of the guys who try to initiate things with me, the majority of them are Asian. I just think that's kind of odd. Anyway, I'm super tired so I'm going to bed. I think I'm going to order my books tomorrow. Fun fun.

- Danyele

Moved In

My father and brother finished moving me in yesterday. They set up my bed and some other furniture. I had to call the customer service for my wireless router. That was frustrating. Not only was I on my cell phone (because my land line phone wasn't charged yet) so I already couldn't hear well, but the person I was talking to was in Egypt. I think he said it was Egypt. Anyway, he had a very thick accent and I could barely understand him and I had to have him keep repeating himself.. Eventually it all worked out though and I don't have to use a stupid wire. I hate being wired on my laptop. My family stayed really late last night. I didn't think they would ever leave. I hate my mother. All we did was argue the whole time she was here. Then they ordered from some pizza place and brought all of this nasty greasy pizza into my apartment and some kind of wrap for my mother because she likes to think she eats healthy. She's in denial that she's obese. She is literally obese. I forget what I told them to get out of eating, but I didn't have to. The bad part about the whole ordering nasty crap is that my family is ridiculous and they NEVER throw any leftover food out because God forbid later they want to eat the nasty crap again. Well, of course, they put the leftover food in my refrigerator and then forgot it when they left. So now I have a couple slices of pizza, a half of a wrap, and a nearly empty bottle of pepsi. I won't eat any of that stuff so now it's going to rot in my refrigerator...until I throw it out. But with my luck I'll throw it out tonight and tomorrow my family will find some reason to come up to my apartment and be horrified to find that I've thrown out their food. Yeah, that would happen too. After they left I just hung out and watched a few movies until I fell asleep. I had a pretty bad day today. Good = fat. I can't stop thinking about how Tracy said I looked "good" when I saw her on Thursday. It's ridiculous how that one little comment (that I'm sure she meant to be nice) completely consumes me. I must've weighed myself 50 times today. Every five minutes I'm back on that stupid scale. I've gained weight too. I was down to 117 when I got back from North Carolina three weeks ago. Now...I don't even want to say how much I weigh. It's disgusting. My weight needs to get down to double digits or else it's just gross. I'm 5'7" (almost 5'8" because I grew...wtf?!) and Angelina Jolie is about 5'7"-5'8"...maybe even 5'9" and she's like 98 lbs and she looks amazing. I would be happy if I was 98 lbs. Right now I'd just like to fall asleep for a few months and wake up 98 lbs. Today was so bad that I even hurt myself. I'm such a loser.

- Danyele

Partially Moved In

We started moving me into my apartment today. By we, I mean me and my mother. I mostly can't stand her to it was a rough day. We mostly just brought my clothes and such, We went shopping too for like...randomness that I forgot I needed to have. The cable man came to set up my cable, internet, and phone. He didn't speak English very well and I could barely understand him. I spoke to him in Spanish, which was...interesting, to say the least. He got everything hooked up okay though. Now I just have to buy a stupid router so I can be wireless. I hate being wired when I'm on my laptop. It pretty much defeats the purpose of having a laptop. Anyway, that's pretty much all I did today. We're moving the rest of the stuff tomorrow. My father and brother are going to bring my bed and other furniture and stuff. Right now I just have a television and clothes and a few random things I bought at the store. Ha. I'm pretty happy to be moving out of my house and into my own apartment. I'm happy, but I'm not bouncing off the walls with excitement like my mother expects me to be. She keeps saying "Aren't you excited? If I were you I'd be SO tickled to death. Blahblahblahblah." She's so annoying. I really hate my mother. I can't stop thinking about how Chris yelled at me last night and how it was so reminiscent of when Kevin yells or when my father yells. I didn't know he had that in him. I'm so incredibly angry at him though. I'm mostly angry, but I guess I'm also a little bit upset by some of the things he said. Ergh. I don't even want to think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. He said that I do things so I can get attention. I asked Tracy if she though this was true and she didn't respond, which I think means that it is true. I hate myself. I'm going to sleep.

- Danyele

Real Friends

I've recently come to realize, yet again, who my real friends are and that I have fewer then I originally thought. I thought I had five real friends, Tracy, Ro, Bran, Chris, and Nicholas. It turns out that Tracy, Ro, and Nicholas are actually my only real friends. Tracy is pretty much the only person in the world that I 100%, completely trust. I know that I can say or do anything and she won't hate me and she'll still be there for me. We have kind of a weird friendship though. She's almost twice my age and she used to be my English teacher. She helped me out a lot throughout last year with my eating disorder and stuff. As cheesy as it sounds, I don't know what I'd do without her. I consider her probably my best friend. I think she means a lot more to me then I do to her though. Ro has been my friend since middle school. She's my best friend that's my own age. I feel like I sometimes have to censor myself around her though, like she can't handle everything there is to know about me. Nicholas is my last real friend. I've known him since middle school too. He's a good guy, but we don't hang out very often. He has other friends. I trust him with stuff though. I used to think Bran was my best friend in the whole world, but lately I've come to realize that he's really not. He never wants to hang out anymore because his girlfriend is jealous of me and she gets mad when I hang out with him. I don't think I mean that much to him either. Tonight it my last night to see anyone before I start my move-in process for school and he couldn't even find five minutes free so I could stop by his house to say goodbye. I guess I'm not that important. I can understand that. I just thought it was different. I used to be pretty close with Chris too. Tonight he really yelled at me though. I had told him a few days ago that our friendship was really complicated and with everything else I'm dealing with right now I just can't handle his problems too. I guess it was kind of mean, but it was the truth. He got really mad tonight when I said that I didn't think we could be friends anymore. He yelled at me like my father yells at me when he's drunk. He told me I was an attention whore and that everything that was wrong was my fault. He also added an extra "fuck you bitch" here and there. I think I might be incapable of having friends. I'll probably screw up my friendships with Tracy, Ro, and Nicholas sometime soon too. I just wish people would give a fuck about me sometimes. I mostly feel very alone. I guess it's my own fault though since I kind of isolate myself. I don't think I'm worthy of friendship though. I don't know. I'm not making any sense and I really have to start packing so I better go.

- Danyele

Edit:
I forgot to talk about how I saw Tracy tonight and it was just about the biggest highlight of my summer. Really, she's my favorite person. We met at Barnes and Noble and had coffee. Well, she had coffee. I just held my coffee. I had just purged an hour prior to going so I really didn't even feel like drinking coffee. My throat hurt. I'm sure the cigarette on the ride there didn't help much either. Anyway, her kid was there. That was fine. I don't mind him, but I really don't know what to say to him. What do you say to a four year old? I have trouble talking to people my age, let alone someone who hasn't even reached grade school. He's a smart kid though. I just don't know what to talk about with him. Tracy looked like she had lost weight. Her face looked thinner then I remembered. I didn't comment on it though. I didn't think it was appropriate. The first thing she told me was that I look good. Just a note to anyone who happens to know someone with an eating disorder, never EVER say that. In the mind of someone with an eating disorder, "you look good" translates to "you've gained weight" which further translates to "you're fat". I don't think she meant it to sound like that. In fact, I KNOW she didn't mean for it to sound like that...but when I heard "you look good" I immediately thought "Damn, I need to lose some weight because even Tracy thinks I'm fat." I tried to ignore that thought though. I was semi successful. Anyway, we talked about summer and me going to college. Oh, and we also talked about the fact that she met someone, which I am super happy for her about. I don't really remember too much about what she said about him except that he is tall and thin...and that Mr. Felangi (this guy me and Bran used to joke was her boyfriend) is a "hardcore Bible-thumping Christian". That was pretty hilarious. We talked some more about random stuff and then we left. I gave her the present I bought for her in North Carolina. It was a Vera Bradley purse with a change thing and a hair clip....because she has this one she wears all the time that looks like it's like 100 years old. She left me a voicemail when I was driving that she liked it and some other nice good luck stuff. It was a nice voicemail and I'm kind of glad that I missed her call because I like to save voicemails like that to listen to when I'm really upset. It's lame, but they make me feel a little bit better. Anyway, I really have to finish packing now. I have a ridiculous amount of clothes. My goodness. It's disgusting.

Introduction

Let me start off by saying that this is not a pro-ana/mia weblog.
Moving on...my name is Danyele, but I really hate that ugly "y" in it. I sometimes go by Danielle online just because I think it looks nicer. It's not really my name though. I'm eighteen years old and a college freshman at a big state school in New Jersey. I'm from New Jersey, a little whitebread town about a half hour outside of Philadelphia. My family is your typical upper-middle class family that feigns perfection but is actually complete with an emotionally unstable mother, an alcoholic workaholic father, two fucked up kids, and a couple of dogs. I'm "the smart one" in the family. I also have an eating disorder. I've been struggling with it for about eight years. I suppose that will be the main focus of my blogs, my eating disorder and eating disorders in general. I used to have a xanga. Well, I still have a xanga, but xanga is flooded with ridiculous pro-ana weblogs written by wannarexic pre-teen girls (as is livejournal) and I don't want to associate what that sort of thing. I'm hoping I won't find the same here. I've actually been inspired to move away from xanga by the author of the mamaVISION blog. She's pretty awesome so if you want to check out her site there is a link on the right module. Anyway, let me write a little bit more about myself. I'm a pre-med major. Well, technically I'm a Biology major and a Psychology minor, but I'm in the pre-med program at my school. I want to be a doctor. I'm not sure what kind of doctor yet, maybe psychiatry or pathology...or surgery. I guess it's kind of ironic that I want to be a doctor. Ha. I also really like politics. I'm a libertarian at heart, but I associate with the Republican party. I support Rudy Giuliani for the presidential elections. He's the man. In addition, I love music. I mostly listen to indie rock and folk. I like classical and choral too. I've been in choirs all of my life and I've traveled all over the globe to perform. I guess I'm pretty lucky. How many people can say they sang in Carnegie Hall when they were fifteen or performed for the Pope when they were sixteen? I've experienced a lot more in my life thus far then many people do in an entire lifetime. It's kind of weird. It's hard to explain. Anyway, I'm going out with one of my best friends tonight. It's our last time to hang out before we both go to college. Fun.
Peace.

- Danyele