Real Friends

I've recently come to realize, yet again, who my real friends are and that I have fewer then I originally thought. I thought I had five real friends, Tracy, Ro, Bran, Chris, and Nicholas. It turns out that Tracy, Ro, and Nicholas are actually my only real friends. Tracy is pretty much the only person in the world that I 100%, completely trust. I know that I can say or do anything and she won't hate me and she'll still be there for me. We have kind of a weird friendship though. She's almost twice my age and she used to be my English teacher. She helped me out a lot throughout last year with my eating disorder and stuff. As cheesy as it sounds, I don't know what I'd do without her. I consider her probably my best friend. I think she means a lot more to me then I do to her though. Ro has been my friend since middle school. She's my best friend that's my own age. I feel like I sometimes have to censor myself around her though, like she can't handle everything there is to know about me. Nicholas is my last real friend. I've known him since middle school too. He's a good guy, but we don't hang out very often. He has other friends. I trust him with stuff though. I used to think Bran was my best friend in the whole world, but lately I've come to realize that he's really not. He never wants to hang out anymore because his girlfriend is jealous of me and she gets mad when I hang out with him. I don't think I mean that much to him either. Tonight it my last night to see anyone before I start my move-in process for school and he couldn't even find five minutes free so I could stop by his house to say goodbye. I guess I'm not that important. I can understand that. I just thought it was different. I used to be pretty close with Chris too. Tonight he really yelled at me though. I had told him a few days ago that our friendship was really complicated and with everything else I'm dealing with right now I just can't handle his problems too. I guess it was kind of mean, but it was the truth. He got really mad tonight when I said that I didn't think we could be friends anymore. He yelled at me like my father yells at me when he's drunk. He told me I was an attention whore and that everything that was wrong was my fault. He also added an extra "fuck you bitch" here and there. I think I might be incapable of having friends. I'll probably screw up my friendships with Tracy, Ro, and Nicholas sometime soon too. I just wish people would give a fuck about me sometimes. I mostly feel very alone. I guess it's my own fault though since I kind of isolate myself. I don't think I'm worthy of friendship though. I don't know. I'm not making any sense and I really have to start packing so I better go.

- Danyele

Edit:
I forgot to talk about how I saw Tracy tonight and it was just about the biggest highlight of my summer. Really, she's my favorite person. We met at Barnes and Noble and had coffee. Well, she had coffee. I just held my coffee. I had just purged an hour prior to going so I really didn't even feel like drinking coffee. My throat hurt. I'm sure the cigarette on the ride there didn't help much either. Anyway, her kid was there. That was fine. I don't mind him, but I really don't know what to say to him. What do you say to a four year old? I have trouble talking to people my age, let alone someone who hasn't even reached grade school. He's a smart kid though. I just don't know what to talk about with him. Tracy looked like she had lost weight. Her face looked thinner then I remembered. I didn't comment on it though. I didn't think it was appropriate. The first thing she told me was that I look good. Just a note to anyone who happens to know someone with an eating disorder, never EVER say that. In the mind of someone with an eating disorder, "you look good" translates to "you've gained weight" which further translates to "you're fat". I don't think she meant it to sound like that. In fact, I KNOW she didn't mean for it to sound like that...but when I heard "you look good" I immediately thought "Damn, I need to lose some weight because even Tracy thinks I'm fat." I tried to ignore that thought though. I was semi successful. Anyway, we talked about summer and me going to college. Oh, and we also talked about the fact that she met someone, which I am super happy for her about. I don't really remember too much about what she said about him except that he is tall and thin...and that Mr. Felangi (this guy me and Bran used to joke was her boyfriend) is a "hardcore Bible-thumping Christian". That was pretty hilarious. We talked some more about random stuff and then we left. I gave her the present I bought for her in North Carolina. It was a Vera Bradley purse with a change thing and a hair clip....because she has this one she wears all the time that looks like it's like 100 years old. She left me a voicemail when I was driving that she liked it and some other nice good luck stuff. It was a nice voicemail and I'm kind of glad that I missed her call because I like to save voicemails like that to listen to when I'm really upset. It's lame, but they make me feel a little bit better. Anyway, I really have to finish packing now. I have a ridiculous amount of clothes. My goodness. It's disgusting.