WARNING: Entry Includes Weights and BMIs

Tomorrow I'm being oriented. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I know that I have to figure out how to get to another part of my school's campus (a part that I've never been to) by tomorrow at 3 pm or else I'll look like a huge idiot. I'd rather not look like an idiot before I even go to class. It's really setting in now that I am no longer in high school and that I'm a big bad college kid now. It's weird. I was thinking back on high school and I kind of wish I didn't have such a terrible time over those four year. Well, it was more like three years. Freshman year was kind of good. After that I only really liked to talk to one or two (maybe three on a good day) people in the whole school. My senior year was really the worst. It's kind of expected that senior year is your best year. Mine really wasn't. In fact, not only was senior year my worst year in high school, it was also probably the worst year of my life. Everytime I think about senior year I remember how glad I am that high school is over. Moving on, I started talking to Chris again today. It was stupid and I feel like an idiot for making up with him after what he said to me, but I did. I often make stupid decisions. I'm still eating horribly. I did a little bit better today. I took laxatives last night...because I'm stupid. I spent a lot of today working on my collage book of models and celebrities. I actually have three and the oldest one dates back to when I first developed my eating disorder. The reason I have three is because I used to misplace them so I would make a new one...but then I would find them again. So anyway, I have three. It's really interesting to look back at the pictures I cut out and put in there and the stuff I wrote when I first developed my eating disorder. There is a clear difference between the kind of body type I thought was desirable. Before I just had pictures of thin celebrities. None of them were like skin and bones, just regular thin. Like, I went through a phase when I thought Penelope Cruz was perfect so there are a lot of pictures of her in there. Anyway, now the pictures I put in there are of pin thin models and actresses. Like today I skipped over the new YSL add with Gisele Bundchen because I don't think she looks very thin in it. How ridiculous is that thinking? Also, I look back on my food logs and I can't believe all of the crap I ate. I used to eat a single serving bag of Doritos for lunch sometimes during freshman year. Sorry if I'm going off, but I remember when I started being really disordered I stopped eating lunch completely. I used to sit with these two girls Jaclyn and Candice and Candice was fat (like literally overweight) and she was always trying to lose weight. So she'd see that I wasn't eating lunch so she would cut down on what she was eating too. Then Jaclyn, who was naturally very thin, would get really anoyed with Candace and Candace would always make these comments like "Oh, people are going to think we're anorexic because we don't eat lunch." I think that she was probably one of those wannarexic girls. I think she thought it was cool not to eat lunch and that it was glamorous for people to think that she didn't eat. However, she was really pretty fat so it was obvious that she did, in fact, eat. Of course, I wasn't very thin then either. I was about 140 lbs when I was a freshman which is like a 21.9 BMI, which is on the fat side of "healthy". I was pretty chubby. I still am fat now, just now quite as fat. Plus, I grew almost an inch since 9th grade. I'm not sure how that happened, but it did. I've been weighing myself like...every five minutes and I'm fluctuating between 122 and 125, which is between a 18.7 and 19.1 BMI. I don't know how I gained so much weight so fast. I was down to 117 when I came back from North Carolina which is 17.9 BMI which is like...not so bad. I can deal with 117 lbs and 17.9 BMI. I cannot deal with 122-125 lbs and 18.7-19.1 BMI. Ideally, I'd like to be 98 lbs, which would be a 15.0 BMI. That would be amazing. I realize that if I was that skinny I'd be really sick though. Like, I don't really get my period now and I'm a "healthy" weight so I don't know what would happen to me if I was 98 lbs. I'd probably die. That would be bad. I think I'm going to try to get down to like 108 lbs and then just maintain. I think I'd be happy at that weight and I'd be able to be like...ok at 108 and I wouldn't freak out for being too heavy....even though I'd really like to be 98. I was down to around that weight sophomore year and I was pretty happy with that. I think that's going to be my goal. Ok, so I'm done rambling now. Sorry that was so....random. Oh, one more thing. I cut out a two page spread of a bunch of models I found in an old issue of Vogue and hung it on my refrigerator...just to be a reminder. But seriously, I need to sleep now if I'm going to be alive tomorrow for orientation. Peace out.
- Danyele